I Don't Like You In That Way

A One Act Play
By: Blue Velvet

Starring: Blue Velvet and Eastern Seaboard
Co-Starring:  Risa Ling
Guest Star:  Male Friend

Opening Scene:  Blue Velvet receives a call from a number with an odd exchange that she doesn't recognize.  Intrigued, she let's it go to voicemail. Shortly thereafter she discovers that the call was coming from inside the house.  Not really.  It was from a young man she met while she was getting accosted by another man for lying about her age.  Except she wasn't lying. She really is that old.

Blue Velvet:  Do you remember a guy named Eastern Seaboard? Did we meet him over the summer?  Is he cute?

Risa Ling:  Um, yeah.  I think he's kinda cute.  He's a Young, Spry, Motherfucker and not a Wrinkle Factory, as you would say.

BV:  That's my jam!  I think I'll return his call.  

Later that evening, BV agrees to meet Eastern Seaboard for drinks and discussion.  Learning from past mistakes, i.e., finding herself on unsolicited dates, she brings with her two male friends.  The three friends find a table and BV spots Eastern Seaboard and waves.  He joins the group.

ES:   The Metric show was sooo good!  That's, like, crazy you've been sick.  I love your dress.  It's really stylish.   You are stylish.

BV:   Um, thanks.  It's actually two dresses that I layered.

ES:   One time I went on a sailboat cruise with my parents.  I should have taken Dramamine.  I got really sick.  We were in the Virgin Islands.  Hawaii is better.  It was amazing.  Because of the recession I got a ticket for $500 with only two layovers!

BV:  I've been to Hawaii.  It's breathtaking.  It's easily the most beautiful place in the world.  I can't wait to go again.  I know people...

ES:  (Interrupts to drone on and on and on about Hawaii to someone who has spent more time in the place than he has.)

Male Friend #1:  Wanna hear a joke?  BV has lots of jokes, she does stand up.

ES:  You do stand up?  I always wanted to do stand up.  I think I'd open with a rap song and do, like, five minutes of break dancing.  That would be really funny.

BV:  I strongly recommend that you do not do stand up.  That would not be funny. 

ES:  (Looks sad)  Well, I like to try new things and I'd just, you know, want to try it.

BV:  You should try jumping off a cliff into Lake Cumberland.  (Laughs)

ES:  What are your favorite cities?  I have a top ten!  (Lists cities on the Eastern Seaboard and, inexplicably, Seattle)

BV:  Have you ever been to Seattle?

ES:  No

BV:  Two words:  Tokyo Drift.  You should take that one off your list.

ES:  I've got two or four more years in Nashville and then I'm moving to Pittsburgh.  I love Pittsburgh! I love the Eastern Seaboard! (Begins to ramble on and on about being an Eastern Seaboard lover.  Editor's note:  I don't think Pittsburgh counts as being part of the Eastern Seaboard.)

BV:  (Interrupts)  I have Hepatitis C.

ES:  (Stops talking and gives a blank stare)

BV:  Not really.  But I heard that my ex-boyfriend might have it.  It's pretty disgusting and turns your skin yellow.  It's passed from skank to skank and is incurable.  According to webMD I, do, however, have both types of diabetes.  I shouldn't be drinking or eating, like, ever again.  I should probably go home soon and suck on some ice chips and spoon with my cats.

ES:  I love your hair.  It's so stylish.  You have such great style!  How did you get it in that twist on the side?  That's so cool and, like, stylish!

BV:  Sometimes I wish I was a cat so I could become married to my cats.

ES:  So, like, has anything really deep and profound ever happened to you?  Like, one time I had a spiritual experience with my brother when we were in Hawaii.  We were on a volcano....

BV:  (Reaching her boiling point, interrupts with her climatic monologue)  Yes.  I had a boyfriend for a very long time, almost my entire adult life.  No, not the one with Hepatitis C.  Anyway, we lived together and one day he just up and joined the circus.  Then he married one of the sideshow dwarfs.  Seriously, it, her, whatever, looks exactly like a cross between a member of the Lollipop Guild and a wombat.   I've spent the aftermath of this horrible tragedy--and by horrible tragedy I mean seeing this eye sore in the flesh--having nightmares about it eating me!  Is that what you mean by "spiritual experience"? 

ES:  Oh God, really?  Which circus?  No, that's not what I meant by spiritual experience.

BV:  Does it help if I add in that I pray daily to every God--even Xenu--for his demise?  That's spiritual.

ES:  You are really pretty.

BV:  I don't like you in that way.

-Fade to black-

The next day BV receives a text message from ES that read:  I had so much fun with you last night!  We should hang out again soon!

End Scene