Advice to Desperate Lover

Dearest Blue Velvet,

I have a dilemma and could use your advice.  I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who has a new girlfriend.  We've been broken up for about six months, and I've tried to date other people, but my thoughts keep coming back to him.  I think he might be my soulmate.  Should I try to forget about him, or try to win him back?  What would you do?  Please help!

Thank you,
Desperate Lover

Dear Desperate Lover,

I know all about being in unrequited love.  It sucks.  Bad.  The biggest problem with it is that other potential mates can pick up on it as though you've been marked with a secret, foul smelling scent that everyone can detect but you.  It's true and it's desperate and it seeps from your pores, festers in your hair, and follows you like that dust cloud floating around Pig Pen.  Given you haven't been mutually attracted with another post-breakup, probably means that your new suitors think that you reek.  It is destroying any possibility of you moving on to a relationship that is appropriate for you. Now that you're aware of your problem, you must do everything you can to wash it off.  I'm not going to lie:  It's going to be a motherfucking difficult task. 

First, let go of the idea of a soulmate.  Soulmates are like Cat's Cradles: they are a game for children and do not really exist.  I spent years and years of my life thinking that I had found my soulmate based on the fact that we had the exact, rather unusual mole pattern on our left arms.  I endured years mental anguish because I was most sure that the universe wanted and needed for us to be together.  It was one big lie and I paid dearly for it.  Oh, and I still have a daily reminder sprinkled on my left arm.  After all of that, I stupidly continued to believe in soulmates and made a series of poor life and love decisions based on something a psychic told me:  That I was going to marry a writer.  One and a half writers later--the latter of whom flatlined, then froze, my already fragile heart--I no longer believe in soulmates or anything that a $20 palm reader tells me.

Next, watch a bunch of David Lynch shit.  David Lynch loves women.  He is my favorite filmmaker and, in case you hadn't realized, my pseudonym is based on one of his films.  His feature films and the first season of Twin Peaks are very women-centric and they will make you feel empowered and want to do a bunch of drugs and say "Fuck you" to all men, especially your father--who was clearly the person who shattered you from the start.  Warning:  You might fall in love with Agent Dale Cooper--but hey, it's better than being in love with your ex-boyfriend.  If, by chance, you find yourself obsessed with Agent Dale Cooper and it starts to interfere with your daily life, just recall that terrible character (Dr. Trey Whatshisname) Kyle MacLachlan went on to play in Sex and the City and you will be cured.

Finally, I'm going to give you some advice that my sister gave to me when I was low down and feeling sorry for myself over my forever broken heart.  She said, "I've spent the past 45 minutes of my day listening to your self-loathing.  You want to know my philosophy on guys:  Fuck 'em!  You are lucky that you are free.  Besides, when you were with (insert ex-boyfriend's name here) all you ever did was talk about how annoying he was and that you hated him and wanted to break up.  Stop dating people you fucking hate and stop thinking that you love them after you break up."  Touche!  Desperate Lover, think about the reasons you are no longer with your ex.  Relive in your head all of the times he took his hangovers out on you or his poor table manners or about the time that he bragged about his Prada boots, etc.   Eradicate the good stuff (if applicable) and concentrate on all of the bad.  Let's face it, there were lots and lots of bad.

Desperate Lover, I hope that my sister and I have been helpful.  I am forever baffled as to why people come to me with love and relationship advice because I don't have the best track record.  I suppose it must be because I've certainly experienced the feeling of being lovelorn and lonely.  Bear in mind, DS, that I don't have it all figured out myself.  I may never get it right.  Ultimately, however, I hope that you find true love.

Best Wishes,
Blue Velvet