Advice to Trenchmouth

Okay Readers, this one had to be heavily edited prior to publication.  Enjoy.

Dear Blue Velvet,

I performed fellatio on a man who is known to have frequented many women.  Do you think I could have a sexually transmitted disease?

Thanks,
Trenchmouth

Dear Trenchmouth,

Let me start off by saying that I don't really think that you are looking for advice, per say.  You know that I know the person you identified by first and last name--which I chose not to publish--in your email.  I get the sense that you merely wanted me to know that you gave him a blow job.  I would have preferred not having this information forced upon me, but whatevs.  I also get the sense that you want my take on performing oral sex on a man.  I never discuss sex on the blog, but as the granddaughter of a 90-something year old woman who gives sex advice on a radio show in Cincinnati, Ohio, I feel like I should make one exception to carry on the family tradition. 

Fellatio is disgusting.  I loathe it.  It is be used only as a tool to acquire mind control over the opposite sex, therefore should be performed under the rarest of circumstances when it significantly benefits the female to do so.  I feel it is crucial to perform regularly in the first few weeks of a relationship.  It sometimes is necessary after a night of drinking.  That's pretty much it.  In my opinion, only fugly, dumb, boring girls are the ones who have to do it all of the time.  The real duds are those who do it for men who aren't even their boyfriend or a potential boyfriend.  Moreover, performing unnecessary blow jobs is for serfs.  (So stop.)

The only other exception to my rule is in the event where the woman is "slumming it".  The act of slumming should only be executed in moderation, as going full-blown slum can get one into worlds of trouble, STDs being one example.  Let's address your STD scare.  If you honestly believe that you might have a touch of trenchmouth, Trenchmouth, I believe you should go to the clinic and get a cycle of antibiotics.  They should clean up just about any sort of malady lurking in your tainted orifices. 

Kind Regards,
Blue Velvet