Advice to A

Dearest Blue Velvet,


I have been reading your blog for quite awhile, love it, and therefore feel you are the only one I can trust to be "real" with me. Hopefully you can answer before you are sipping delicious tropical drinks in Hawaii, but I digress. I have developed a crush on a boy I feel is "above" me, if you will. He is super kind, funny, talented, without getting too starry eyed, pretty much every person male or female who meets him develops a crush on him. Therein, obviously, lies the problem. I don't consider myself unattractive physically or socially, but when the object of one's desire is, so to speak, desired by all, it can be hard to see yourself as having a chance. All my friends say "just be confident!", but I feel I need a more refined edge. Is there hope? Or should I just accept that he is a god among men who cannot be had? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as I feel you will be able to give me the best answer sans bull shit, which is always appreciated! Hope to hear your sage advice!

Have a great time in Hawaii!

--A


Dear A (I'm over making up pseudonyms, plus I'm technically on vacation),

This one is out of my realm of expertise because I exclusively date those beneath myself, but I'll give it my best shot.   I prefer to spruce up the gutter trash and teach them my ways.  I liken it to my own, real-life, modern day Pygmalion story.   The caveat being to be mindful of the slippery slope wherein the subject becomes too refined and goes to live with a new owner.  Remember what happened to Eva St. Clair in that old timey book, "Uncle Tom's Cabin"?  If not, let me refresh your memory:  She teaches her boyfriend slave, Uncle Tom, how to read and then he runs off with that indie rock cult leader Simon Legree who later makes Tom become dead inside and out.  Lesson:  Don't teach your slave boyfriend subject life skills that will render him less co-dependent or you will be depressed and alone with no monies to be had in this sick, sad world--just like Eva.

Are you sure that you still want to "date up" because slumming, if done properly, can be quite rewarding?!  You could track his progress with charts/graphs and diaries and have fun stories to tell all of your friends.  I can hear you now, "Hey Mitzi!  Guess what I taught my boyfriend today?  The difference between a Republican and a Democrat and now he's going to register to vote!  He's decided that he's a Libertarian.  Isn't that cute?!"  or "I cleaned out his ears and now we are making tiny kitten figurines with all of the earwax!"

Okay, if you must insist on this particular guy, I suggest that you take a college level course in Animal Behavior, for knowledge is trump in affairs of the heart.  Back when I attended college, this course was offered and I took it to fulfill a requirement for my major.  Little did I know the principles I learned in that class would change my life.  Mostly it helped me train my cats not to scratch the furniture, but it also assisted me in mastering the art of mind games on a human level, and to recognize when a mind game was being played on me.  I don't want to give away (for free) all of the precious knowledge that I absorbed in this class, but I will tell you this:  Pay close attention to the schedules of reinforcement section, specifically Skinner's theory on "intermittent schedules of reinforcement".  In lay terms, applying the principles of said theorem basically equates to being an unpredictable, cunning, heartless bitch...most/some of the time.  Males are pretty much animals and they love, love, love complex  and mysterious bitches.

A, I hope I've been helpful.  In closing, I'd like to add that your friends are correct.....you truly need more confidence.  By the way, my vacation is splendid.  I saw a million rainbows and two giant sea turtles in their natural habitat!

Love,
Blue Velvet