Advice to Slumming It

Dear Blue Velvet,

I need your help.  In a month's time I've had two group sex parties (one threesome, one foursome).  I went on a date with a guy only to ditch him and leave with a different guy who I ended up sleeping with that night.  A couple of days later I invited (yet another) guy (who I barely know) over to my house and slept with him as well.  All of these events involved heavy drinking and drug use.

The day after the most recent guy, I decided that I should get to know this person so we kind of went on a date.  He told me that he is on government assistance, i.e., food stamps, Section 8 housing, etc.  Learning all of this about someone I already slept with has me quite embarrassed and I consider it a major downgrade from my last boyfriend (who is a millionaire).  What should I do to wash off the shame?!  How do I prevent people from discovering what I've done?  I think he's already told some people.

Please help me!
Slumming It

Dear Slumming It,

Everyone slums.  I think I have addressed this on the blog in the past.  Don't worry about it, unless of course your indiscretions are discovered.  Deny, deny, deny.  Never deviate from your denials, even when there is mounting and unequivocal evidence to the contrary.  In fact, start believing your own lies.  That's even better.

Once I was drunk driving my (now ex) boyfriend's car and was pulled over by the police.  At the time I didn't have a valid driver's license.  The police asked me how many drinks I had and I said "none".  They didn't believe me, so I had to take two field sobriety tests, which I passed somehow.  Then they asked me again and again about the number of drinks I had and I continued to deny, deny, deny drinking.  They claimed that I reeked of alcohols.  I told them that was impossible because I had exactly zero drinks.  They told me to get in my car and drive safe.  They didn't even ask for my non-existent driver's license.  Win.

Another time, I had a secret boyfriend who I denied dating to most of the people I know because I didn't want my ex-boyfriend to discover that I had downgraded.  Sometimes I went so far, to my out of town friends, as to deny his very existence as a person.  There was lots of evidence that he was definitely my boyfriend---we even lived together.  I was very vague about my residence, referred to him as my "roommate" in a bind, pretended to be sad and lonely, etc.  Once someone confronted me, "Are you dating XXXXXXX?"  He was standing within earshot, so I just stood there at first and I kind of walked away and said, "Oh, what did you say?  Oh him?  Oh, no, we're just friends."  Then I guess this person said something to him about it and he asked me if I denied him and I pretended to know nothing of the sort.  Then I convinced him that the person who told him all of this was clearly trying to cause drama in our relationship. 

So, Slumming It, anything and everything can be denied.  Denial works. I hope you win.  By the way, is there any chance the welfare guy is a hipster?  Because if he is, that's kinda punk rock.

Love,
BV