This is a real email that I sent a few weeks ago. He never responded. Frowny.
Subject: So Sorry! (For Partyin')
Dear Dr. XXXXXX,
My name is Blue Velvet and I met you last night at Estelle's in Wicker Park. I'm fairly confident that you remember me, unless you were experiencing a two-hour long blackout. (In which case you are an alcoholic and probably need help.) You told me that you thought I was very beautiful. I told you that I have a photographic memory and you said that there was a .0000001 percent chance of this being true. Well, I don't have a photographic memory, per say, but my memory is very good, obviously. I remembered your first and last name and where you are doing your residency based on a ten second glance at your hospital ID card. Impressive, no?
Anyway, I am writing to apologize for my drunken behavior last night. I was rude and obnoxious towards you, especially re: your taste in music. I'm not innately such a jerk. Sometimes when I drink too many delicious Lambic Framboises, my brand of humor switches from slightly funny to mildly retarded. (And I don't mean that in the Down Syndrome way. I mean it in like an impaired development way.) Thanks again for buying me all of those $14 Lambics. ;)
I'd like to possibly continue our conversation that occurred before I alienated you. You know, the one where you told me that if I came to your hospital and told you the magic words: "I think I broke a rib.", that you would write me a prescription for 100 Hydrocodone?!? I am in Chicago a few times per month. I don't really know anyone in town. By that, I mean that I know no one in town who can legally write prescriptions. Given that you accept my apology, perhaps we can be friends??? Email me!
Take care,
BV
2 hours ago
Posts
I think I broke all of my ribs and a collar bone.
ReplyDelete@Eli - You're supposed to have one removed like Marilyn Manson before you try.
ReplyDeleteare you upset that the negro thing from OHIO (the anus of this country) got founded? you should just go homeless and hang a sign that says, "i dated a musician and I AM SPECIAL".
ReplyDeleteoh an its Mitzi Finn. no more anonymous post. I am going to be famous. Just like you.
ReplyDelete@mitzi: No, I thought it was a heartwarming story. I saw him on The Today Show this morning. I hope he stays clean and embraces his second chance.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, my 15 mins was agonizing. Be mindful of your wishes.
And, the boyfriend to whom you refer--he wasn't a semi-famous musician when I met him. That happened about eight years later. So if you are implying that I'm some sort of groupie, you're dead wrong.
i know you are not a groupie. that is some type of fish, no? i have my own story. i am not dead wrong. let's be happy with ted williams and his golden voice.
ReplyDeletei so like it that i can delete my post as the homeless doctor. the "author". i am an author now. thanks kelli craig. when i get on oprah, i will thank you.
ReplyDeletethe lambic here at the liqour barn is 6 for small and 11 for large. hmmm, what else? I HOPE HE STAYS CLEAN TOO! that's the first thing i thought of. i know a homeless junkie when i see one! i havent had my 5, 10 or 15 minutes of fame and i am VERY careful for what i wish for. it's not the Nashville americana boy band. It's not especially one who is a PEPSI-HEAD that was in a successful duo that turned into a 6-piece americana duo. nope, its not. not the part of a boy band that plays in the very lame country strong movie. although it's great pay for them, it does not make them cool or fuckable, i have proof. touche.
ReplyDelete6-piece duo? yes!
ReplyDeletethanks for cleaning that mess up! feel free to delete this too.
ReplyDelete