You Look Just Like Norm MacDonald

If any of you people read my FB and Twitter updates, you are probably aware that I recently read a novel in which one of the characters was inspired by me.  I was informed of the existence and impending publication of the novel back in 2007.  At first I didn't have the courage to read it, and then ultimately let it slip my mind.  Imagine my surprise when earlier this week I was visiting a friend and I saw a copy of it sitting on the back of his toilet.  I asked to borrow it and he obliged. 

"Why would you want to read a book like this, BV?" my friend asked.

"Because I know the author.  And, um, I think I'm a character in it.  At least that's what he told me."  I stared at the cover until I got home.  I read all 400 plus pages in three hours.

Many years ago, when I first started dating Jack, I met a young writer who was temporarily living in my hometown of Cincinnati via New York City for a writing assignment.  My sister and my bestie, Trippette, were in town visiting from their adopted home of San Francisco.  They wanted to go to a party of a well-known skateboarder and thought that I should join them.  That's when I met the writer, who was also part of the underground-ish NYC/San Francisco/LA skateboarding scene.  I wish not to reveal his true identity, so for the sake of this story I'll refer to him as Norm.

Norm and I sparked up a friendship that lasted for most of his eight month stay in the Nati.  I liked his company very much and found myself spending increasing amounts of time with him.  I could easily tell that he was interested in becoming more than just friends.  There were two big problems with this on my end:  1)  I had a boyfriend who I loved very much  2)  I was not physically attracted to Norm.  Norm was not unattractive---he was anything but---he was very handsome, social, whip-smart, and downright hilarious.  Most of all, he was very kind to me.  He took me to the movies, bought me gifts, helped me start somewhat of a modeling career, etc.  He just wasn't Jack.

For the record, I did not lead him on!  Norm was well aware of Jack's existence, but I kept Norm a secret from Jack.  Jack toured a lot with his band and didn't exactly fraternize with the skaters, so keeping Norm on the DL was quite simple.  Norm would regularly belittle Jack and ask what a girl like me was doing with someone like Jack.  At the time, most everyone had similar sentiments and I would always respond with, "I love him very much." and I did.  I loved Jack from the second I met him.  To me, the ignition of true love has to happen immediately.  I never loved anyone before or since in the same way. 

One evening, my sister was once again in town for a visit.  She, Norm and I went to a bar and then back to Norm's house to continue drinking.  I was driving, so I opted for water for the last half of the evening.  Earlier that night, Norm presented me with a mask that he made of my then celebrity crush, comedian Norm MacDonald.  Now drunk, Norm was donning the Norm MacDonald mask and saying things like, "Would you love me if I kept this mask on?  Would you love me if I was Norm MacDonald?" 

Soon, my sister and Norm were drinking whiskies in the kitchen and I overheard their conversation.

Norm:  I am in love with your sister.  You have to help me get her to break up with Jack.
My Sister:  I know!  That's great!  I think she is in love with you too!  She is!  Yes, she is in love with you!

My sister was aware that I was not in love with Norm.  Out of drunkenness she made a complicated situation unbearable for me.  I called for her and told her that we needed to leave.  I waited for Norm to go to the bathroom, grabbed my sister and we ran out the front door.  Norm soon followed us, once again wearing the Norm MacDonald mask.  He began yelling and cursing and punched my car.  Then he removed the mask, threw it and it landed in the back seat.  As I gassed the car, I accidentally ran over Norm's foot. 

Norm eventually moved back to NYC, but would occasionally travel back to Nati for work.  On one such visit he contacted me.  He wanted me to move to NYC with him.  He promised me a great apartment and an even greater life.  He still loved me.  I declined his offer.  It would be many years before I heard from him again.  From time to time, however, I would see him on TV or read something he wrote.  Once I recall watching an episode of a show he helped create and he made a cameo appearance.  Jack was seated next to me in our tiny loft apartment.  I didn't mention to Jack my connection to the show as we laughed hysterically.

Norm found me on MySpace in 2006.  He was shocked to discover me still with Jack.  I think he half expected (and wished for) me to be fat, sad, and married to a nobody with a couple of kids on each ample hip.  We kept in touch.  He married a girl who looks similar to me.  When he told me of his book, he offered to send me a signed copy.  I passed.  I didn't want to know what his memories of me were, and I certainly didn't want Jack to know.

I've mentioned this on the blog before, but at one point in my late 20s, I had my palm read.  The palm reader told me that I was going to marry a writer.  I remember thinking, "Hmm, she must mean a songwriter!" because in my head Jack would be mine forever.  Still, I couldn't shake what she said.  After Jack and I broke up, I dated a couple of (dud) writers who were completely inappropriate for me---I don't know if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, or compensating for life choices that I didn't make.  Either way, I was almost entirely with these people because they were professional writers.  All the while I've wondered:  What would life be like in New York?