Lonely in Las Vegas

Dear Blue Velvet,

I am an attractive girl in her mid-20s who just moved to a new city.  How do you suggest I meet people, namely hot guys?

Signed,
Lonely in Las Vegas

Dear Lonely in Las Vegas,

I, too, have recently moved to a new city, so I feel your pain.  I know exactly three dudes here:  One of them is gay, one of them is the boyfriend of a close friend, and the third is madly in love with me to the point of stalkerish obsession.  In fact, when he reads the preceding statement, he will call and text me a million times.  Then he'll likely show up at my house in a drunken stupor at 3am and scream into the streets that his unrequited love for me has ruined his life.  Thankfully, I have a security door.

The only other time I moved to a place where I didn't really know anyone was when I moved to Nashville.  I made friends quick and easily.  I have a strong suspicion that the friendliness of most of those people was a direct result of my then friendship with Jack White, and not because they wanted to be for reals friends.  I say this because 97% of them stopped talking to me once I was no longer affiliated with  Mr. White.  Do you know any famous people?  If so, you will have little difficulty in meeting people.  Out of the hundreds of faux friends, you might get one real one.  In the instance that you don't have any famous friends, I strongly suggest that you lie and say you do. 

In terms of finding hot guys, or a potential boyfriend, you are basically fucked unless you kick up performing hoodrat shit a notch.  Men absolutely love bitches.  I met my ex-boyfriend Jack by selling him and his mallrat friends overpriced shake weed and bad acid.  We used to tell people we met through a mutual friend, but never let on that the mutual friend was drugs.  Don't judge me!  I was young!  I needed the money!  I didn't have parents!

Whatever you do, do not go out on the town with a male friend unless he is super fugly and there is no way that anyone will think he is your boyfriend.  My ex fell into this category and dudes would blatantly hit on me in front of him.  No one ever believed he was my boyfriend.  However, once a dude thought Jack was my sister, despite the lack of familial resemblance.  It must have been because we both had luxurious hair.  Who knows.  Just steer clear of Cockblock City.  Oh, and don't hang out with fugly girls, either.  It doesn't make you look prettier by comparison.  According to social psychologists, the only one who benefits is the fugly girl because when men view a gaggle of girls in a bar, they automatically gravitate their gaze to the most attractive girl and mentally compensate that the other girl or girls are similarly attractive.  Or something like that.

Lastly, instead of "Lonely in Las Vegas", I wish you were "Leaving Las Vegas" because then I'd tell you to become a prostitute and sit around in a dirty hotel room all day and watch some balding dude drink himself to death.  Then bang his lifeless body until rigor mortis sets in.  That is what happens at the end of that movie, right?  I stopped watching when I realized it was about all the bad effects of partyin' and none of the good stuff.

Good Luck!
Love,
BV